Month: August 2021

Despite being a licensed therapist, I have done many things that other single young women have done at least once in their lifetime.

The most unforgettable one for me was online dating. It happened in 2010 when I was getting my Master’s degree and interning at a mental health facility. My load in the university and at work kept me from going out and meeting guys, so I decided to try going to a virtual chat room. I figured that it was the next best option for me to meet new people.

My Chatting Experience

The first time I went on the chat site, I felt overwhelmed by all the pings I got from the men. It was one chat box after another, and I could not even say hi to at least one of them as the boxes continued to pop up. That was not a great experience, but it made me feel good that many people seemed to want my attention.

After a few tries, I finally learned how to filter the individuals who sent private messages to me. Doing so was a lifesaver, considering it allowed me to understand which man was on the chat site for fun or a serious relationship. Of course, I wanted a fun boyfriend, but I also did not dream of becoming a mere notch on someone’s bedpost.

My friends said I was fortunate to find a great man on chat. His name was Chad, a young medical doctor who could not find an opening in his schedule to attend blind dates. But as we got closer and our connection deepened, I was pleasantly surprised when he told me he had already bought tickets to fly to California to meet me.

It was the beginning of a fantastic relationship. Chad tried to visit me as often as possible, and I did the same. Then, he popped the married question, and we lived happily ever after.

Would I Recommend Online Dating To Everyone?

Put, no.

As you know, I was not the only person who tried online dating. It was more convenient than the conventional way, after all. You did not need to spend any time looking good for your date, especially if all you would do was chat or talk over the phone.

Despite that, I had seen many people in despair because the man or woman they liked on the internet turned out to be a poser or a fraud. One of my best friends even got conned as the guy she was talking to at the time cried to her about getting evicted from his apartment. The guy blocked her as soon as she sent $2000 to him, showing his real intent.

Furthermore, online dating requires a lot of patience. It is technically a waiting game, and you have no clue when the wait is over. I only had to stay on the chat site for six months before I met the love of my life, but I knew many people who were still there even after years of waiting.

So, as helpful as online dating was for me, I would not recommend it to everyone.

When Is Online Dating Bad For Me?

If you dove into the chat scene before reading this, that’s all right. You do not need to step away from it, especially if you have met some potential people to date. I would merely suggest checking out the scenarios below, which would indicate when online dating could be bad for you.

It Makes You Decide Wrongly

I had a confident-looking client who needed my help to get over her current online relationship, when I asked why she said that she was dating a married man.

“Please do not think of the worst of me,” my client uttered hurriedly. “I did not know about it at first, but I stayed in the relationship even if I promised myself that I would never be a homewrecker. My boyfriend’s wife found out about me, but the guy was not sorry at all, so please help me strengthen my resolve.”

It Exposes You To Things That Do Not Make You Happy

A client I recently had told me that she did crazy things on the internet to please the man she met on a chat site. She was brave enough to admit her desperation to be with someone. Hence, even if she wanted to wait until they met to be sexual with the guy, she felt obliged to do so on cam so that he wouldn’t leave.

The fact that the woman reached out to me even if she was still with the same guy was a cry for help. She was unhappy, but she was also unsure if leaving the guy would suit her.

It Pulls You Away From Your Loved Ones

Another friend had an online boyfriend who wanted to keep her for himself. It sounded sweet until she said he would get upset whenever she hung out with her family. And one time, she caught up with her friends without asking for his permission, and he refused to answer her calls until she apologized.

The woman needed therapy as the relationship was draining her. She did not want to turn her back on her loved ones. However, she felt it would be impossible for her to find a new man.

What Can You Do?

Leave. It may seem scary initially, but it’s the best decision you will ever make in any scenario mentioned above. You need to retake control of your life, which has been driven by the guy you’ve been dating online.

Perhaps you will meet someone like my Chad on the internet in the future, but if your man acts anything like the guys my clients try to run away from, that’s terrible news.

 

Loner.

That’s the word most people use to define a person who prefers the company of no one. They would rather stay at home than meet some friends. If you ask what they do for fun, they would mention anything like reading a book, watching a movie, or sleeping.

Alas, that’s the same word most friends and family used to describe me.

How I Became A Loner

My psychology teacher said that our traits are typically inherited from our parents. It made sense for some of my classmates back then because I saw some nodding or nudging each other. Perhaps it also applied to me, although I had one trait I did not think I inherited from mom or dad: enjoying loneliness.

You see, my father had been a politician and businessman all my life. He had an office at the city hall and in his company, but there were many times when people would come to our house to talk to him. And like most politicians, dad had a certain charm that drew people towards him, so he was far from a loner.

As for my mother, she was a first lady material. She was kind, polite, respectful, and gracious to any person of any age. You would never see her frown at anyone, and she could hold her own during any conversation. At the same time, mom managed to stay fit and beautiful as she aged, so everyone was also charmed by her.

If I were honest, I did not know when I decided to embrace my lonesome. One day, I felt it would not bother me if all my friends went away for good. I was not depressed or anything – to clarify. It was as if it clicked in my head that the people around me were not all friends because they liked me. Some were nice because of my parents – specifically, the favors they could ask.

As a result, I decided to hide. I would refuse to leave the house unless I went to school, church, or on a family vacation. If my friends wanted to hang out with me, they could come over, but I would not be seen in any public establishment.

When I Got Fed Up With Loneliness

The downside of my decision to become a loner was that I did not get many suitors while growing up. While most of my friends started having boyfriends in middle school, not even one guy showed interest in me. Although I would envy them sometimes, I would shrug it off and think it was for the best.

After a few years of being a loner, I did not foresee the day when I would want to end it and be with someone. Once I felt that I immediately felt like getting a boyfriend or going on a date, which I had not experienced. I was already 22 years old then – mind you.

Despite my willingness to stop being alone, the problem was that my trait had already tarnished my reputation because it made me seem snobbish and unkind. As you know, those are a couple of characteristics boys do not like in a girl.

Getting Help

I felt claustrophobic in my world, so I had to see our family’s therapist. An unconventional suggestion of our therapist was reinvention or relocation.

The mental health professional explained that it was healthy to reinvent ourselves. “It is one way of showing people a different side of you. It does not make you look crazy or anything; many even feel loved. However, I do not hear many people talking about or doing it because they are afraid to change. Are you afraid of change?”

“Not at all,” I replied. That’s the truth I knew I had to do; that’s why I sought the therapist’s help. “But why would I ever relocate?” I asked.

The therapist smiled. “Relocation is inevitable if you cannot find a suitable man for yourself here. Like birds migrating to various parts of the globe, you should never feel the need to remain stuck wherever you are, especially if you have the means to move.”

All I could do was nod. It took months before I decided to seek a therapist’s advice, and I only did it because I did not know how else I could stop being alone. And my therapist was correct – I might need to change my location if I could meet someone in my city.

What Happened?

I remained in therapy for a few weeks, trying to learn how to boost my confidence and reinvent myself. I was already looking for a new state to live in when I met a sweet man named Jim near the house. We hit it off at once, and the rest, as people say, is history.